Accomplishment Coaching

This past weekend, I had an amazing experience.  I spent the entire weekend with 11 other men on a retreat about an hour north of Detroit.

Amidst the cheeseburgers, chips, 18 pots of coffee and proverbial “how YOU doin’?”, was authenticity and transparency like I’ve never seen in a group of men before.  I’m more accustomed to rank humor and bravado.  There’s nothing wrong with those things… but I’ve learned those really don’t serve me anymore.

The intent of the weekend was to help us distinguish the “stories” we have about ourselves.  About where we are in comparison to where we want to be.  About what’s running our lives in comparison to what we’d like to run our lives.  About how we live in the context (or framework) of someone elses’ story in comparison to our own OR the story that best prepares us to really be men.

You see as a man, I’ve come to learn some behaviors that, historically, seem to have served me.  Self-protection, arrogance and competition have won many battles for me.  I’ve covered up plenty of mistakes, let folks know that I’m okay even when I’m not (“Don’t need your help thanks.”), and made sure I came in first place regardless of the consequences.

What I see now is that a life led that way is a life of pure exhaustion.

This past weekend actually got me to ask the question, “If that’s not the story I truly want, then whose story AM I living?”  “What story do I want to live?”  “What if I were to take on being transparent, humble and open-hearted?”  “What if I took on not having ALL the answers?”

Some of you reading this (perhaps especially if you’re in business) may feel I’ve gone off a deep end.  That’s okay… you’re entitled to believe that and it’s likely you’re not to the point of exhaustion upon which I’ve arrived.

Except, coming back to work on Monday morning has been really refreshing this week.  Although the email in-box is overloaded, there’s a breakdown with one of my teams and a client who’s suffering through some big challenges, there’s something different about today.

As a business owner, leader and man, I now see my ability to create the life and business I want doesn’t depend on my ability to protect, control or “win”.  It depends on my willingness to practice always being of service, sharing 100% of me (the good, bad and ugly), and getting connected by creating relationships from heart rather than ego.

Leadership Practices for you to consider:

1. Notice where you’re inclined to hide, ignore or avoid issues and conversations.  Be curious about what you want to hide from others.  Take on sharing just one of those things this week.
2. Count how many really close friends you have… the type of friends you could share ANYTHING with.  If the number you come up with is disappointing, ask yourself “How much longer can I do my life entirely on my own?”
3. Notice where you dominate conversations, relationships and situations.  Ask yourself “What chaos am I trying to dominate”.  Consider the things we call “chaotic” have some of the greatest lessons inside.  Take on just being with a conversation, relationship or situation rather than trying to fix it or figure it out.

Regardless of gender, consider that a life (and business) operating from protection, control and competition is short-lived at best.  On the best day, you’ll get ONLY what those things offer (fear, running, resisting and avoiding).

Perhaps there’s a different story for you.

Happy Editing,

-Coach Preston

I received an email this morning from a friend.  In it was one of those powerful and heartfelt stories about noticing and having compassion for people and situations.  It was a story that inspired action.

Except for one thing.

Instead of using the power of the “story” to create and inspire action, this document used a threat.  Here’s my best recollection, “If you delete this after reading… you’ll spend a year of ill luck.”  Boy, I’m pretty inspired.

I could get into a rant about how the underlying, inspiring message of this story was completely corrupted by an act of aggression, but I’ll save that for another day.

Instead, let’s take a look at how this could be a learning tool.  Take a moment to ask the following questions:

• Where do you inspire others with your heart? 
• Or, where do you get others into action using threats?

I’ll reflect on my own life as a parent.  The other day, my six year old son and I were playing kickball in the front yard.  He whalloped the ball into the street and made a bee line toward it to retrieve the ball.  I immediately yelled, “Don’t you dare go into that street!”  What I noticed was it got him to stop, but the look on his face told me a different story.

“Daddy, why are you yelling at me?” he said.  In that moment, I realized that the danger didn’t exist in the street.  It existed in my relationship with my son.  I was a complete threat to him.  And he was confused.

Here’s another approach I could have taken.  I could have talked to Henry before we started playing.  I could have asked him what we might do should the ball make it into the street.  I could have asked him what dangers he perceived the street presented.  Then I could have had him choose from what he understood.  When I’ve done that in the past, he’s consistently chosen action that works for both of us.

Some coaching practice or fieldwork for you to consider (don’t worry, no threat here):

1. Recall the last conversation you had with an employee, client, family member or friend in which you offered a choice or gave direction.
2. Ask yourself the following:  Did I create an opportunity to choose from possibility or from threat?
3. Based on the answer to that question, consider the impact of either – possibility or threat.
4. For the next week, pay attention to your conversations.  Keep a tally of the number of times you make requests or offer choices from possibility and from threat.  Keep record of the results for each.

What you find may or may not surprise you.  Either way, commit to taking action not around the “how” you go about making requests or offering choices.  But take action around the result you’d like to see those requests or offers produce.

As familiar and comfortable as it may be to take action from threat, you may be pleasantly surprised by how big the results are when you take action from possibility.

Don’t forget this, or else!!!!  “-)

Happy Heart,

-Coach Preston