Accomplishment Coaching

A familiar form of feedback

Yet another “LinkedIn Answers” gem-of-a-question…

Paraphrased = “Since most of us are entirely incapable of seeing the constraints that hold us back, feedback is an invaluable tool.  It offers a chance to see the constraints and take appropriate action.  But how do you offer feedback that makes a difference rather than frequently upsetting another?”

Here are a few thoughts in response:

1. Consider the constraints we have are actually part of the way we’ve been trained to give feedback.  In other words, one of my constraints is that I love to control.  If that’s operating in the background, it’s likely I’ll offer feedback that has me trying to fix or manipulate the other person (so as to control the situation).  Inevitably, that feedback lands as harsh or critical since what I’m really trying to accomplish (underlying assumption) is to protect myself.  This applies to any version of our constraints.
2. Since our feedback is based primarily on our constraints (per above), what you’ll notice is that the focus of our feedback is actually on ourselves rather than where it should be, on the other person or situation.  In other words, our feedback becomes in service to us rather than in service to the other.
3. Finally, since this is typically how feedback is given, we end up having a less than desirable (at time disastrous) experience with feedback.  This has us avoid both giving and receiving feedback.

So, what is there for us to do?  Here are a few ideas:

1. Get clear on your intention for offering feedback.  Ask, “For what would I want to share A, B, or C with Bob?”  Getting clear on our intention will uncover whether we’re about to offer feedback for our own benefit or the other’s benefit.
2. Practice using this format for giving feedback:
   1. Offer an invitation to give feedback rather than telling someone that feedback is coming (whether they want it or not).
   2. Ask the person, “What worked in this/that situation?”
   3. Then ask, “What didn’t work in this/that situation?”
   4. Then ask, “If you could change two things about how it went, what would they be?”
   5. Acknowledge the person for their intention and action around the situation.  Make sure they are fully acknowledged.
   6. Then provide your feedback on the situation based on: a) the situation, and b) what can be done in the future to improve the process.  In other words, don’t make the feedback be about the person – make it about the situation or their actions/speaking.

By offering feedback in this manner, you’re not offering it from your constraints, but from a look into the future; a future that offers forgiveness, development, second chances and partnership.

Happy Feedbacking,

- Coach Preston

Feel like you're one of these?

In watching a past episode of The West Wing, I was reminded of how much we want to be everyone’s friend.  Or more realistically, how frequently we avoid rocking the boat.

The scene was between Charlie Young, the President’s personal assistant and Andrew Macintosh, the White House IT (computer) guy.  In the scene, Charlie explains to Andrew that his mom, a DC cop, was shot in the line of duty not long ago.  On top of that, Charlie is working out his experience of being the target of an assassin’s unsuccessful gunshot. 

Although Andrew had recently been joking around with Charlie, the scene got very somber when, as Charlie is searching for the lesson is in these two situations, Andrew says, “You know Charlie, when they’re shooting’ at you, it means you’re doing something right.”

When they’re shooting at you, it means you’re doing something right.

How frequently have we softened our voices, turned a cheek, avoided a conversation, or just simply hidden out?

For most of us, this is how it typically goes.  We avoid speaking or sharing authentically for fear of someone disagreeing with us.  We sit in the back of the seminar room so we won’t be called upon.  We’re unfaithful to our values and create structures of mediocrity in our businesses because we refuse to have the difficult conversations.  We find ourselves saying “yes” when we really mean “no”.  We avoid, at all costs, the risk of someone shooting at us.

And we get the results commiserate with that (lack of) commitment.

So, what if we were willing to be shot at?  Actually, what if we actually embraced the idea that we’ll be shot at?  Certainly not in the literal sense; but shot by words, or judgments, or opinions.  What if we were to stand up and say “This isn’t right.” and BE responsible for it?  What if we were to have that difficult conversation?  What if we were to ask the “stupid” question?

I led a workshop recently with the medical staff of a surgeon’s group.  They hired me in to support their team in creating more effective teamwork.  Throughout the day, it was clear the conversation was getting uncomfortable as a coaching conversation will.  We were working toward identifying the root of the individualism that permeates this organization.  With just an hour left in the day, someone finally spoke up.  She said, “The reason we will never truly succeed as a team is because there is zero trust in this organization.”

The proverbial dropped pin made a huge sound.

In saying that, this team member risked being shot at.  And she was.  But that one declaration created a huge shift in the day.  The root of their challenges was identified and brought into daylight.  A powerful conversation was opened and the team got access to a new opportunity (gifting trust) to bring back to work on Monday.

That opportunity would have never risen had someone not been willing to do the right thing… simply speak what she saw.

So what’s possible for you as a leader if you were to put aside your fear of being shot?

Leadership Practices:

1. Identify the three most dangerous conversations you can have with family, employees or friends.
2. Have one of them this week.
3. Notice what you can and can’t be with (resist or not) about these conversations.
4. Look up the dictionary definition of “gift”.  Do you offer your trust based on that definition?
5. For one week, journal about your experience with being dangerous.  Where do you jump into danger?  Where do you avoid it?
6. Invite one of your employees, colleagues or business associates to share three ideas on how you can improve your leadership.  If they share “softballs”, consider you’ve created a relationship with little trust (“if you shoot me, I’ll shoot you”).  If they share the “hardballs”, consider you’ve created trust (“I’ll be okay if you shoot”).

Someone asked me once what I thought the most dangerous job in the world was.  After pondering six or seven different careers, it became clear it wasn’t about the actual job function.  The most dangerous job in the world is being a leader.

Lead dangerously,

- Coach Preston